I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
