I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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