He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
