he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
