Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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