My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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