he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
