Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
