I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
