Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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