Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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