: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
