how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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