Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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