I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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