I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Couch. On fire.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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