I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he fucked my hip out of place.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
