He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
