I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I look better un-naked...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
