I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
