He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
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