I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
