last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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