my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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