I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
