I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
