I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
