I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Randomize
