My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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