Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
