I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
