Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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