just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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