I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
