Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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