I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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