god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
