My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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