It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
