It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
