Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
