Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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