he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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