I can tuck mytits in my pants
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
