well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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