Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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