apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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