She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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