The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
