Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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