I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
